While doing a little research for this piece, I came across a website that featured the 10 Best Gifts for Alcoholics. Not the 10 Best Gifts for Recovering Alcoholics, but for real, active alcoholics. It was horrifying.
Nearly all of the gifts were focused on hiding the alcoholic behavior. A fake beer belly, strapped to a man’s waist that contained a bladder you could fill with the alcoholic beverage of your choice was a favorite. There was also a bra for women with the same type of contraption.
Apparently alcoholics get very tired. There is a hooded sweatshirt with a pocket in the front to hold the alcoholic’s beer bottle. There is a handle that attaches to a beer can, making it easier to drink. The “Bierstick” is a beer injector that enables the recipient to receive 24 ounces right down the throat without the necessity to swallow.
Drinking and driving is apparently not as socially reprehensible as we thought it was. There is a mini-flask that attaches to your car keys, and a beer cooler that is essentially attached to a lawnmower, allowing mobile drunkenness. Everyone needs a pocket breathalyzer (which aren’t really accurate, by the way), and, let us not forget the 64-ounce flask. Hello, alcohol poisoning.
An abundance of alcoholic t-shirts prevail, with messages such as “I’m not an alcoholic. I’m a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings,” “Don’t Tell My Sponsor,” and “I’m not fat, I’m an alcoholic.” Gotta love it!